Star Trek –The Original Series
Season 3 - Episode 31
The Martian Comicals II - A REPLAY IN THREE ACTS
Opening Scene – On the Bridge of the USS Enterprise
Personnel are in their usual positions on the Bridge. Loud tings, brrinngs, bings, bongs, beeps and toots of the bridge systems are heard continuously in the background, all for no apparent purpose. Captain Kirk is sitting in the Commander’s seat staring alternately down at something unseen and straight ahead into the ever-present-in-his-mind but non-existent camera
Suddenly a redshirt stands up and, holding his hands over his ears, screams “I can’t stand it any longer! The noise. The noise!” Before everyone’s eyes the crewman pulls out a phaser, turns it towards himself, fires and disappears with a loud ‘boi-inn-gaah’. The phaser falls to the ground with a loud 'clack'. A redshirt bends down, picks up the phaser and stuffs it into his belt. Simultaneously several of the other redshirts look at each other, shrug their shoulders and turn back to their work
KIRK
Ensign Chekov?
CHEKOV
Yes Kepten?
KIRK
Would you give us all a break and turn off your silly video game?
CHEKOV
Yes Kepten.
The room falls silent
KIRK
Spock?
SPOCK
Yes Jim?
KIRK
Where the hell are we? Better yet, where aren’t we? And how many times have I told you not to call me Jim on the bridge?
SPOCK
Thirty-one times, to be exact, just since we left Star Base 102. God only knows how many times before that Captain and she ain’t telling. However, we are in the present. Something you’d know if you took your hand out of your pocket and stopped playing with yourself.
KIRK
Both hands held up in supplication to SPOCK
Yes, Spock. That better?
SPOCK
Yes, Captain.
Music soars. Cut to image of a plastic replica of a spaceship defying all known physical laws swooping past the camera
Commercial Break
NOTE TO THE AUDIENCE
I have been informed by telepathic mind link with Neil deGrasse Tyson from Multiverse 2489234C that this version of the play is due to open on Broadway in Multiverse 987589031E on the 232nd of Rhinoceros 2315
Now, back to our story.
Weird Music intro
Kirk VOICE OVER DURING INTRODUCTION
Space, possibly the final frontier, but who really knows? I mean space is……big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its three-year mission: to explore strangely different worlds, to seek out new lifeforms and……innovative sexual partners. Oh yeah. And new civilizations, too. Basically, to boldly go where no one as handsome as ‘yours truly’ has gone before.
Music soars
Act 1, Scene 1 – On the Bridge of the USS Enterprise
KIRK VOICE OVER
Star Date…unknown. The same effect that tossed us back to Earth into the mid-1960’s in Episode 19 of Season 1 has happened again. Or was it Episode 20? I forget. Anyway, I’d fire that god-damned Spock for incompetence if I wasn’t so much into his ears. They’re so cute. Like a kitty-cat. That and he saw me and Uhura making out and he holds that over me like…a…light sabre. It’s worse than that, though. This is definitely our ship but definitely not our universe. It’s something parallel……a parallel universe it appears, one coexisting with ours…on another dimension, with everything duplicated. Or not. How the hell would I know at this point, anyway? We appear to have been thrown into orbit around that dust bowl POS known as the planet Mars, the fourth planet of our home solar system. Gods help us! Mars is death!
Personnel are in their usual positions. Captain Kirk is sitting in the Commander’s seat, as usual. The sounds of beeps and dings, dongs and swirling and swooshing – the usual noise made by twenty-third century electronics - are present. The view screen, with 640 by 480 pixel resolution is half-filled by a reddish planet. Only a very thin atmospheric band is visible
UHURA
Frightened
Captain, I’m frightened.
KIRK
Speaks dramatically, yet sullenly
Yes, Lieutenant. Earth’s not there……at least not the Earth we know. We are totally alone.
Looks up slowly, dramatically, to the ceiling of the bridge, rolls his eyes, purses his lips and blows out silently
SPOCK
In SPOCK-like clinical/lecture-mode voice
Well actually, there’s an Earth over there and it’s just chock full of people. And there, for all to see, is the planet Mars. So what you are saying Captain, while very dramatic is incorrect…and potentially depressing. I suggest that we call all of the…..
KIRK
Loudly
Spock!
SPOCK
Meekly
Yes, Captain?
KIRK
Loudly
Shaddup!
SPOCK
Yes, Captain.
KIRK
Pauses long enough to allow us to disassociate one thing from another
So, Spock. That looks like Mars, but is it really…Mars?
SPOCK
Yes. Very good, Captain. Sensors confirm that the planet before us is Mars. However, it is not the Mars of the historical records.
KIRK
Meaning?
SPOCK
Meaning that it appears we have been thrown into an alternate universe, one that is, potentially, completely different from our own, from the one we are familiar with. Potentially.
KIRK
That seems very unlikely.
SPOCK
Shrugs his ears and one eyebrow
Meh. Shit happens, Jim.
KIRK
Grins broadly and nods his head in agreement
It sure does, Spock. Damn. I was going to watch Game of Thrones this evening on Netflix and now this happens.
SPOCK
Deadpan
Netflix! As if……Captain, sometimes life is so cruel. I don’t know how you humans cope.
KIRK
Life goes on, Spock. Somehow we do cope and life……goes on. Well?…Evaluation?…Spock? Scan for life signs and stuff like that, will ya?
SPOCK
Scanning. Scanning in-range north latitudes. Scanning in-range south latitudes. Scanning in-range north polar region, scan…
KIRK
Spock? Could you please do it without bothering us with the continuous updates? It’s really annoying.
SPOCK
Captain?
KIRK
Stands up and opens his arms to all. First to the left, then to the right side of the crew
Isn’t it? Everyone. Pay attention to me for a moment will you please. Isn’t it annoying when he does that droning on bit?
A chorus of ‘ayes’ and ‘you betchas’ emanates from the Bridge Crew
KIRK
See Spock? I told you they didn’t like you and your know-it-allyness.
SPOCK
If you’re done disrespecting my position, race, competencies and manners Captain, I’ll tell you what the sensors have found. If you’re nice. Besides. If you like I could text you.
KIRK
Sits back down abruptly
Never heard of it. What the hell is that?
SPOCK
I send you a written message from my communicator which you receive on your communicator. You can reply from your communicator when you are able or wish to. Everyone in Starfleet is doing it. Everyone.
KIRK
That sounds terribly inefficient Spock and possibly intrusive. I mean, what if it came in while I was on the toilet? Or doing something else like……never mind. Report please, Mr Spock.
SPOCK
As you wish, mon Capitaine. A very brief scan of Earth reveals that it is approximately, as we reckon, approximately the year 2045. Give or take a year or two. The planet below appears to be in the early stages of colonial development. There is very little infrastructure and almost no sign of organic life. The surface is littered with the wreckage of a great many failed and/or lapsed missions. Compared to our timeline I would place it in the very early twenty-first century, possibly the late twentieth century.
KIRK
Wow. So Mars is not the new home of humanity?
SPOCK
Obviously not, Captain. At least…not in this universe.
KIRK
So maybe in this universe……Grand Moff Elon…did not colonise this planet……with his friends.
SPOCK
Apparently not, Captain. It was after all, a pretty iffy thing in our own universe, if the records of human history can be trusted. All that fake news presented as real. All that real news presented as fake. It is so illogical.
KIRK
Reverently, dramatically, etc
Praise be……to……Moff Elon!
SPOCK
Deadpan
Yes, praise Musk, Captain. So…
KIRK
So, Mars has no casinos…no Trump Towers with their hot baths and….whirlpools?
SPOCK
No. And no green alien women. At least, not yet. You must be devastated, Jim.
KIRK
Yes. Damn. A complete waste of a planet.
Looks to the view screen
Oh well…what the hell. How do things look over on Earth?
SPOCK
Pretty miserable. By my count, there are eleven billion persons, mostly agrarian and homeless. The effects of global warming have begun to set in. There are many seacoasts devoid of life and people have..
KIRK
Interrupts SPOCK
Need I remind you Spock, that…global warming is not…an undisputed scientific fact? You need to……remember that.
SPOCK
Yes, Captain. You need to.
KIRK
Continue?...Spock?
SPOCK
As I was about to say before I was so wooedly interrupted, there are just a few places on your Earth with casinos, resorts and spas and that other stuff we are on this mission to find. Of course I haven’t had time to look at the whole planet, seeing we’ve been here like for about five minutes and you persist in interrupting my systematic investigation with your banal chatter. Captain.
KIRK
Glares at SPOCK
Mr Spock! Forget that Earth for the moment will you, please? Conduct a complete scan of the planet below for life signs, mineral deposits, sources of water, including ice and oh yes, methane. And report in five minutes or less.
SPOCK
Always with the methane, Captain. It’s not really that important, you know.
KIRK
Methane means life; life that eats things like beans and lentils, corn and cola drinks sweetened with fructose. And prunes. I hate prunes.
Pauses
Yeoman Janice?
Yeoman Janice
JANICE is in her customary position to KIRK’s left, about a half pace behind him
Yes Captain?
KIRK
Softly
Oh. There you are.
KIRK
Gives her the full scan. Speaks quietly to her in bedroom-mode
Red…looks good…on you. Really good. Why don’t more of the crew wear red?
Looks away to the view screen. Speaks in Bridge-mode
Yeoman, take a note. Food replicators to no longer serve prunes. And beans. And lentils. Oh hell. What else? Oh yeah.
In a hushed voice
Pass the word that all ship’s crew-women are to begin wearing their hair loosely, about the shoulders. Copy that?
Yeoman Janice
Miffed
Captain! Have you been speaking with Lieutenant O’Reilly?
KIRK
Turns abruptly back to YEOMAN JANICE
Yes. Yes. I have been speaking to him. Just last night…in the Officer’s Mess Club Dining Hall Dart Room Bar…area. Why……do you ask?
YEOMAN JANICE pouts at KIRK
KIRK
In a hushed voice
Yes, I see. See me later. Much later. Well talk about this…..later.
Turns back to the screen
Yeoman Janice
Raises her voice
Yes, Captain. The usual time?
KIRK
Yes. The usual time.
In a hushed voice
And bring a friend. And don’t forget to oil your traps.
Yeoman Janice
Sticks her forefinger in the corner of her mouth, tilts her head and giggles
Yes Captain. I wi…We will.
SPOCK
At KIRK and the YEOMAN
Fascinating.
KIRK
What?
Act 1, Scene 2 – Still on the Bridge of the USS Enterprise. Yes, I know, but they badly needed a space for a commercial break
KIRK VOICE OVER
Speaking quietly to YEOMAN JANICE
So I told him to leave you alone. You are the Captain’s Yeoman and he has no business talking to you like that no matter who or what has taken over his body. I mean how many times have I used that excuse?
SPOCK
Interrupts
Jim. I have the report.
KIRK
Glares at SPOCK, annoyed at the interruption
OK. Well spill, man.
SPOCK
Slips into ‘presentation mode’ voice from very early in season one – a fast pace, exaggerated arm and hand gestures, an overly emotional tone with pretentious pauses and an annoying inflection
The planet we are currently in orbit about is a dry desert, devoid of natural surface dwelling life forms. On the surface everything tends to look essentially the same - sand, dust, dunes and rocks.Ultraviolet light bathes the surface and minimally attenuated solar winds scour the rocks. Gamma and X-rays smash though the thin atmosphere, wreaking havoc on organic bonds – great and humble. Spock pauses and looks around to see if anyone is listening. No one comments. He shrugs his ears and continues, Yes, I actually said humble. The regolith, the very planetary surface is toxic. Dust storms can build static charges to dangerous levels. Dust devils can blast exposed surfaces of their protective coats. The windblown fines are toxic. Mars is a tentative world; a departed world made of rock, dry sand, Styrofoam, Plasticine and Silly Putty. And poop.
KIRK
Studies his fingernails, checks out Yeoman Janice again and as SPOCK finishes, perks up, turns and faces him
Spock. Really? Where do you get this…shit? I mean, what’s that about…poop?
SPOCK
There are four habitations scattered across the surface all apparently in use by a very small human population. Each habitation is surrounded by an area where human feces have apparently been dumped on the surface. The entire surface is apparently contaminated with human poop. Windblown human poop.
Eyebrows raised, looks directly at camera
Enough, apparently, to grow potatoes.
KIRK
Laughs
So much for lying on the beach.
YEOMAN JANICE laughs initially, suddenly stops, grimaces and punches KIRK on the arm, hard. He flinches
KIRK
Ow. That hurt.
She sticks her tongue out at him, turns away and looks to UHURA for concurrence. UHURA sticks out her tongue and blows a raspberry
SPOCK
Yes, Captain.
KIRK
Continue…Mr Spock?
SPOCK
The surface is littered with the cast off equipment, bodies and debris left behind by dozens of manned missions and the worn out abandoned and lost landers of many decades of autonomous rover missions. However, after all that effort, scanners detect only four humans on the surface and approximately one hundred forty humans who are currently in the habitations. Most of them are either asleep or in an apparently drug-induced stupor. The remainder are watching television. ‘Games of Drones’, I believe it is.
KIRK
Perks up
A stupor, you say! I’d like to know more about that. That seems serious enough to allow us to break the prime rule thingy or whatever it is.
KIRK laughs; YEOMAN JANICE gives him a puzzled look
SPOCK
Really?...Continuing if I may? Unlike our advanced universe, this universe has apparently never developed magnetic tape technology for the mass storage of information. Data is apparently recorded on something referred to as ‘SD-RAM’ and ‘Hard Drives’. I am unfamiliar with these technologies, therefore I am unable to read the data stored on them. Some form of force field protects them. AVG McAfee Norton, er something, something. Whatever the hell it is, it is unlike anything we have ever encountered. It renders them invulnerable to further analysis.
KIRK
What about the humans? Savages, no doubt…Spock? Primitive, ignorant savages? Or do I dignify them by even calling them humans?
SPOCK
They are identical to your kind Jim, in every respect. Ignorant, primitive, self-centered savages.
KIRK
Say what?
SPOCK
Moving on Captain, three are on the surface, near the largest habitation, apparently engaged in rock sampling. The other is in a relatively narrow ravine in the general area referred to as Tempe Terra. Apparently engaged in rock sampling. There are apparently a large number of what appear to be autonomous rovers, apparently engaged in exploring the planet. The one human off on his or her own is accompanied by a rather large eight-wheeled conveyance.
KIRK
Glares at SPOCK
They’re called ‘dune buggies’ Spock. You should know that. That’s standard reading at the Academy. How many are there?
SPOCK
Forgive my lack of knowledge of other-universely terminology, Jim. There are four of the largest type on the surface and seven hundred and ninety-two of the smaller pattern. Apparently.
KIRK
Surprised
That many? No fucking way! Oops! Pardon my Catuallan! Recalibrate your scanners Mr Spock.
SPOCK
Done, Captain. Same results obtained.
KIRK
Good. Good. Continue……Mr Spock.
SPOCK
That’s about it. Without the ability to read their data tapes I cannot further analyse the colony.
KIRK
Glares at SPOCK annoyed
So?
SPOCK
So, Captain, I suggest we endeavour to return to our own time and place before we are detected and somehow, though I cannot imagine how even in my wildest dreams, our mere presence here in orbit affects the future of our universe.
KIRK
Smirks at SPOCK
Now Spockly my friend, you never fail to amaze me. Doesn’t your high and mighty logic tell you that nothing we can do here will affect our universe? It is my belief that…we can do whatever the hell we want. I could go back to Earth and have sex with my great-great-great-great-great grandmother and it would have no effect on our……timeline. Er place. Er, whatever!
SPOCK
I cannot imagine why you would want to do such a thing, Jim. Perhaps the Doctor can shed some light on this?
KIRK
Well Bones? You’ve been unusually respectful to all and silent so far. Are you well?
BONES
McCOY moves from the background to KIRK’s side opposite YEOMAN JANICE
Damn-well, Jim-boy. But I’m just a plain ol’ United Federation of Planets ship’s doctor, not one of them eastern city-born, liberal college-educated shrinks with a shingle up his or her ass. I agree with you; we can do whatever the hell we want. Let’s go for it, Jim. Woo-hoo! Let’s partay! Granny here we come.
BONES pumps his fist in the air. YEOMAN JANICE frowns, backs up a step and looks up and away
SPOCK
Captain, I do not really wish to pee on your parade but while you and the Doctor may be correct in your assumptions, I believe we should exercise caution in approaching the humans below. The risks are considerable. I would go myself, but with some degree of reservation, for unfortunately my ears are a dead giveaway that I’m not from around here. And if I may continue further, there is an element of danger. Who knows what novel diseases these people may be infected with? There was that time in Episode…..
CHEKHOV
Shouts from across the room
I do!
KIRK
Glares at him in annoyance
Shut-up, Ensign or I’ll have you shipped back to Leningrad in a vodka bottle. The important parts, anyway.
CHEKHOV
Yes, Kepten. I have been told by a woman recently, Kepten, that I should be incorrect occasionally.
KIRK
Well, pick a better time and place. Today is not that day. Be correct now, Chekhov…Go on…Spock.
SPOCK
It may be worth the not inconsequential risks. I suppose, who knows what we might learn in the name of science?
KIRK
Smirks at SPOCK
You do. Aren’t you the Ships’ Science Officer, Mr Spock?
SPOCK
Yes. A very good point, Captain and well taken, I might, no I will add. I should be listened to. My logical ideas presented clearly and simply and slowly to you should always guide our actions in potentially dangerous circumstances such as this.
KIRK
Continues to smirk at SPOCK
Well so much for you, Mr Big Head. You know, it actually makes your ears look normal when you puff up like that.
BONES
Does his best to look amused at SPOCK’s situation
Well said, Jimmy-boy.
SPOCK
Could you explain my dear Captain, why you allow Doctor McCoy to repeatedly refer to you in such irregular and uncomplimentary terms while on the Bridge in the presence of others and yet you chasten me for the slightest linguistic slip-up? It is illogical, to say the least.
KIRK
Studies his fingernails, looks about for YEOMAN JANICE and then as SPOCK finishes, turns and faces him
I’d rather not go into that now in front of the Bridge Crew if you don’t mind, Spock. I shouldn’t do anything that undermines their faith in and respect for……their Captain.
A loud chorus of guffaws echoes around the Bridge
KIRK
So Mister Science Officer. What do you recommend?
SPOCK
Would it not be prudent to send one of the crew who specialises in alien lifeforms? Lieutenant Number One, I suggest.
KIRK
Glares at him, obviously piqued
Who? Umm……
Stares into the distance, gulps nervously
Just one person, Spock? Not much chance for drama there.
SPOCK
Then perhaps an Away Team, a General Survey Party led by yourself and with four other ship’s officers with irreplaceable skill and knowledge essential to the operation of the Enterprise should be assembled and beam down to the planet in the vicinity of the solitary individual in Tempe Terra? Oh yes, the addition of experts in planetology, biology, human-alien relations would seem to be in order. They should be accompanied by a sizable security team, too. It is…potentially dangerous.
KIRK
Smirks at SPOCK
I need a recommendation Spock! Not a vague warning.
SPOCK
To risk the Command Team, especially the Captain in a potentially meaningless and potentially dangerous mission seems risky; potentially foolish. Totally ridiculous, in fact. It is best that we proceed surreptitiously; subterfuge is required of course. So, given the uncertainties Captain, I suggest costumes be worn by the Away Team members. Shall I commence to assemble the team?
KIRK
Yes, I’ll go. I need to stretch my legs anyway, so I’ll go down by myself and meet the locals. Er, I mean avoid contact with all intelligent life on the planet’s surface.
SPOCK
An excellent idea, Captain
KIRK
Whatever!
KIRK
Smirks at SCOTTY
Besides. Who knows who I might meet? Nudge, nudge, wink-wink, eh Scotty?
SCOTTY
Aye Captain, you grand ol’ lecher, you!
KIRK
In the display of over-acting he usually reserves for more serious situations, KIRK dramatically declares,
However, I need……to……pee! So Spock, Mr Scott. I’ll see you both in the Material Laser Room in a few minutes.
SCOTTY
Uh, Captain?
KIRK
Yes, Mr Scott?
SCOTTY
Captain, we have nay called it that since Season 1 Episode 4.
KIRK
Glares at Scotty in annoyance
What is it called now? Well? Speak up, man!
SCOTTY
It’s called the Transporter.
KIRK
OK. You don’t have to shout. Have it your way. Both of you meet me in the Transporter Room. Spock, bring a space suit and some sort of costume that will allow me to blend in. And make sure the shirt comes off easily. You never know, eh?
SPOCK
Yes, Captain. You never know.
KIRK
He looks at BONES and Mr SCOTT, smirks, then goes deadpan
Spock? That one off by themselves......is it a male or......a female?
SPOCK
Impossible to say from this distance, Jim.
KIRK
Smirks again
Umm. That’s Captain, if you don’t mind. If it’s not too much trouble?
SPOCK
It has been said that I say it even when I don’t say it, Captain. Anyway, it is impossible to determine the being’s sexual orientation from this distance, Jim.
KIRK
Thank you, Mr Spock.
SPOCK
Mutters under his breath
Asshole.
KIRK
Pardon me, Mr Spock?
SPOCK
Space holes, Captain. Space is full of holes, Captain. I can see several not too far from our current location.
KIRK
Glares in annoyance
Umm. Yes, it is. I guess. We should steer around them, whenever possible.
SPOCK
I do, Captain. I do.
KIRK
I’ll see you in the Material Transporter Laser Room, er, whatever.
Act 1, Scene 3 – In the Transporter Room
KIRK Voice Over
Captain’s Log Supplemental – I am proceeding down to the surface of this strange and forlorn planet alone, for reasons that make no sense, yet……I feel……I must. Oh well.
KIRK
Annoyed
Spock, I asked you for a costume, not a Halloween get-up.
SPOCK
But Captain, if you are detected it is better that the other does not see you in human form.
KIRK
This is a ‘Gorn’ costume isn’t it?
SPOCK
Yes.
KIRK
Stares into the distance, gulps nervously, or ‘pensively’ perhaps
I thought I recognised it. I have…an instinctive revulsion to……reptiles. I must fight to…remember that I am…an intelligent being, a highly advanced individual…the Captain……of……a Starship. Yet the other…on the planet below may…be……a dangerously clever……opponent.
SPOCK
Whatever. Captain.
KIRK
OK. So the plan is you transport me into one of those……TriPods on the hangar deck, the ones with the queen sized bed, a flush toilet and……a TV and then…down to the surface near…the human. If I’m caught out I’ll…pretend…to be an alien…exploring Mars. Makes perfect sense to me. I bet that kind of thing happens here every day.
SPOCK
Yes, possibly. A plan, Captain. Not a good one, but a plan, none-the-less.
KIRK
Does his patented half-face smirk, smile and shoulder shrug in succession thing
What could possibly go wrong?
SPOCK
Nothing sir, of course. But perhaps as a precaution you should take a phaser set to ‘Confuse’?Just in case?
KIRK
OK Spock. If you insist……I’m ready. Let’s……do……this.
Moments pass and over-acting, Kirk dramatically declares
Wait. I have to pee. Again.
SPOCK
By your command.
KIRK
Leaves through an open door and returns a moment later, struggling to zip up his pants
Ah, that feels better. By the way there is a coolant leak in the hall. Scotty? Take care of it personally, will you.
SCOTTY
Sighs resignedly
Again? Aye, Captain.
KIRK
Smirks
Let’s do this.
SPOCK
If you’ll put on the costume and space suit…
KIRK
Spock! This suit……This glass bubble thing……It looks like something……something from an old, Earth B-movie. Don’t we have something a bit……snazzier? A little more……campy? Something, say, with more……CF?
SPOCK
No, Captain. Do you not recall, we never go anywhere where you need anything more than a flimsy plastic mask and maybe, under the worst of all conditions, a pair of brightly coloured overalls. Mars is the toughest and most inhospitable place you have ever been to.
KIRK
Grins broadly
You’re kidding, Spock? Really? What’s it like……down……there?
SPOCK
The current temperature in your landing area is minus 67 Centigrade. The air is as thin as it is at 30 thousand meters above your Earth’s surface. The winds are blowing toxic dust about at 95 kilometers per hour. Actually, judging by the usual weather reports it’s not a bad day. But, as I said Captain, Mars is the toughest and most inhospitable place you have ever been to.
KIRK
Waves his hand dismissively
Never mind all that Vulcan techno babble Spock, what does that translate into…for……me?
SPOCK
I’d wager a very considerable quantity of dilithium crystals that you won’t even notice it Captain. It is bad, but it could be much worse.
KIRK
Ha’h! I guess I should have known that. I usually just say 'set suit to 72' and forget about it. So, tell me Spock, is it worse than that Super 8 on Sierra Tango Driponus? Ha’h. Of course it is, but you know I can’t remember a lot of the missions from before we ate those ‘shrooms on that so-called Paradise Planet. Do you remember that….Spock? You were right out of it, man. You had this look on your face like when you had just jumped that green wench on Omicron Delta……
SPOCK
Yes Captain. I remember. If you would allow me to assist you in dressing we can get you on your way.
KIRK
Smirks at SPOCK as he fumbles awkwardly to put on the costume and the suit
SPOCK
Gestures towards the Transporter
Now, if you’ll just step over here…
KIRK
I know where the Transporter thingy is Mr Spock!
SPOCK
Yes sir. But that is the coffee machine.
KIRK
So I feel like I need a coffee. Who knows……if they’ll have……coffee down there?
Leans on the counter casually, pours himself a cup, sips from it, straightens up, walks over and takes his place on the transporter pad, forgetting his coffee
SPOCK
Fascinating. Maybe that’s why you need to pee so often.
KIRK
I hope so……Spock. But Janice was telling me I should get Bones to…check…it…out.
SPOCK
Energizing.
KIRK
I may have to have her moved off the ship……
The usual noise that 23rd century high tech stuff makes emanates from the high tech stuff and drowns out KIRK’s last words to SPOCK. KIRK disappears.
SPOCK
Puts his head down on the control panel and shudders
Mother. Moth-er!
Act 1, Scene 4 – Surface of Mars –Tempe Terra
KIRK VOICE OVER
Captain’s Log Supplemental - I am proceeding down to the surface of this strange and forlorn planet for reasons that make no sense, yet I feel……I must. Wait. Didn’t I just say this? Who writes this crap anyway? If I were in charge…
Sound fades out
The TriPod materialises in a rock and boulder strewn ravine, the surface shaded from the sun by its extreme depth and steep sides. Nothing happens for a few seconds, then with a whoosh audible for some reason even in the almost non-existent air a triangular hatch slides aside. The door is ridiculously small and the triangular shape does not help. Kirk’s legs swing into view, followed by his awkwardly bent body.The large bubble helmet smacks the top of the hatch frame with an audible thump. Kirk drops to the ground on his knees, momentarily-stunned. He cringes for a few moments, holding his helmet with both hands. He brings his personal communicator to his face and it clangs against the glass helmet. Obviously annoyed he jams it into the belt at the back of his suit. It falls to the ground, un-noticed by him
KIRK
Stupid communicator. Stupid suit! Kirk to Enterprise. Kirk to Enterprise. Enterprise, come in. This is the Captain. Pick up the goddam communicator Uhura, for God’s sake.
SPOCK
This is the Enterprise, Captain. Spock here.
KIRK
An annoyed KIRK stares dramatically into the distance as he speaks
Spock, fire……whoever made……these……ridiculous… pod...things and while you’re at it, fire whoever made this ridiculous costume.
SPOCK
Yes Captain, by your command. But I feel it my duty to inform you that Starfleet commissioned the design of these pods and has ordered two thousand-four hundred and three from SNC Lavelin on Ceti Alpha Five. Or was it Six? I always get those confused. Anyway sir, they appear to be here to stay. As for the costume, it was bought at the Wal-Mart on Star Base 102 last October.
KIRK
Well we should take it back and get our money refunded. There is no fly in the pants. And I have to…
SPOCK
Interrupts
You have to pee. Sir, really, if I may make a recommendation? Perhaps you should consume less alcohol, tea and coffee before embarking upon away missions? There are limits to suit technology and time is often of the…
KIRK
Thank you Mr Spock for that suggestion. I’ll take it under consideration. Beginning search for intelligent life……or whatever. Kirk out.
KIRK looks around at the rugged surface before him. He takes a few steps and stumbles, catching himself before he falls. The inability to see where he is placing his feet because of the oversized helmet and the Gorn mask makes travel down the ravine difficult and is compounded by the irregular terrain. He curses often, colourfully and loudly
SPOCK
Voice comes from out of nowhere
Captain. Spock here. Everyone on the Bridge can hear what you are saying. Perhaps you should turn off your mike, or the radio?
KIRK
I said Kirk out. Isn’t that enough?
SPOCK
No sir. You have to turn off the mike or the radio.
KIRK
Annoyed
Oh...OK. Kirk out. Now where the hell is the……
Stops talking. He unfastens the sample basket from his waist belt and examines it. He flashes it about like a sabre, making swishing noises as he does so. Paying way too little attention to his footing while rounding a turn, he stumbles and glances up momentarily. He catches a flash of something out of place, something beige, about thirty meters ahead. At first he thinks it is only a trick of light, but incredibly, it is a person. A very ordinary looking human is wearing a really cool skin-tight pressure suit with a face hugging helmet. He has never seen this type of suit anywhere. It is like something out of one of those sci-fi Tri-D movies.
The other is poking at the ground with a stick. No, that is wrong; it is a cup on the end of a rod; a sample basket like the one Kirk is carrying. He is sideways to Kirk and has apparently not yet seen him. Or possibly he is in full-science mode and is ignoring him on purpose. With little choice, Kirk continues down the ravine towards the other. He stops and acts as nonchalant as he is able, looking at the ground and poking it with his sample stick, trying to be cool too.
THE OTHER
Sees KIRK and stops dead in his tracks. After what seems an eternity The Other raises an arm, bent at the elbow, with empty palm facing Kirk in what KIRK recognises as the universal ‘threatening destruction gesture’.
KIRK
Unsure of how to proceed, KIRK tosses the sample rod away, stiffens his body and crosses his arms in the universal ‘sign of peaceful intent’. Then he draws his phaser and fires a single burst at The Other, who drops slowly and limply to the ground.
KIRK
Hollers
Shit! Now what am I going to do? Kirk to Enterprise.Kirk……to Enterprise. Come in……Enterprise.
There is no response from the Enterprise
He ponders out loud in his most dramatic voice that
Perhaps he is using……some form of force field……to block……my……transmissions. Or worse, perhaps……he has……seized control of my……mind and is forcing me……to see……what……he……wants……me to see. Visions!
Clutches his helmet in both hands
Oh……God!
Screams frantically,
Kirk to Enterprise. Kirk to Enterprise. Come in Spock. Come in anyone. I need a Security Team. I am in grave danger.
On the Enterprise, SPOCK, UHURA, BONES, Mr SCOTT and others of the Bridge Crew are listening to KIRK. Some are holding their sides to suppress their laughter. They do not answer KIRK
On Mars, time passes. The Other remains still. More time passes
KIRK sits on the rocky surface staring at The Other and ponders his options
KIRK VOICE OVER
Perhaps I should return to the pod and contact the Enterprise with the pod communicator and have them transport me up, leaving him to explain the encounter in any terms…he chooses and to…endure whatever ridicule this sort of experience produces in this universe. Or……maybe I should kill him while I still can, before his powers grow……too great for me to contend with. Or…I could abandon my mission and care for this poor victim of my perhaps overly hasty and violent act. Or…perhaps I could join these colonists and at the appropriate time confess to them that I am a time traveler from another universe and beg they permit me to stay. Over time, hopefully a short time, I will be embraced as a superior intellect and will assume leadership of the colony and……find a mate……or two.
Pauses dramatically, continues out loud
To do……or not……to do; that…is the question. But is that really……a question? I mean, that’s the confusing part. Oh why didn’t they teach Shakespeare at the Academy? Oh why? Now that’s a question. No doubt about it, ‘cause it’s got a question mark after it. But what the hell is that period over a comma thing? Oh……well.
SPOCK
Captain, Spock here. Are you all right? Are you hurt? You seem to be in pain.
KIRK
Suddenly composed, answers
No, why do you ask? Everything’s fine down here. Really great. Fantastic, in fact. How are you? I’ve made contact with one of the humans. He is resting……I think I’ll take him up to the pod and show him around when he wakes up. Kirk out.
SPOCK
Captain, that may not be wise….
KIRK
Finally getting the hang of the suit radio he cuts SPOCK off
Jerk!
He variously drags and carries The Other up the ravine, greatly hampered by the Gorn costume and the bulky suit. Exhausted, he stops twenty meters or so from the TriPod. He examines The Other while they are both prone on the rocky slope. The very cool environmental suit encloses a very senior human male. No name tag is seen though, which irks Kirk. From what he can see of The Other, without benefit of a Tricorder, the hallmarks are nicely styled grey hair, nice teeth and an overall fine physical condition. The Other begins to stir. Panicking, Kirk shoots him again with the phaser.
KIRK
What to do; what to do? Hey! That’s a lot easier than that ‘to do or not to do’ crap.
Ponders his situation
KIRK Voice Over
If I am indeed stranded on this alien and hostile planet, I will be at the resident’s mercy and old people like this dude are never going to accept a young fellow like me as their leader. Never. My only recourse is to erase all memories in this guy of this encounter and get the hell out of here. Yep. That’s the answer to the ‘to do’ thing.
KIRK
Chins the radio
Spock! Get down here will you. I need you to clear this dude’s memories. You know. I need you to do that Vulcan mind thing you can do, like that time you erased those memories in Nurse Chaple after that very awkward New Year party? You remember? We were so drunk she took her…
SPOCK
Captain. Everyone can hear you up here.
KIRK
Ha, Spock! You fell for it! I can’t believe you fell for it! The oldest trick in the book and you fell for it. Get your ass down here on the double before this guy wakes up again.
SPOCK
On my way, Captain.
In a few minutes SPOCK materializes beside KIRK in a suit similar to The Other’s – a form fitting garment with a compact helmet
KIRK
Annoyed commences to rag on SPOCK
So you got yourself a set of cool rags and sent me out in this, this ridiculous outfit…
SPOCK
Cuts him off
Jim. Really! If you don’t mind? I’m kind of busy just now. I have a job to do and I’d like to do it.
KIRK
Sure. Sure. It’s just that I look like a fool and you look sooo cool. That doesn’t seem right to me.
SPOCK
It is the Vulcan Way, Captain. To always, Captain, to always look cool. Don’t waste your time and energy fighting it.
KIRK
What the hell are you talking about you stuck-up, green blooded, supercilious…
SPOCK
Why thank you, Jim.
SPOCK
Turns to The Other to roll him onto his back
Give me a hand, will you?
Sets about putting things right. However, before he can do his Vulcan Mind Thing, The Other begins to stir. Spock uses the Vulcan Nerve Pinch to knock him out
KIRK
You have to teach me that, Spock.
SPOCK
I’ve already tried, Jim. And as I have informed you on at least a dozen occasions, I cannot. I am afraid you, as do all other human-like entities, lack some of the essential attributes necessary to master the Big Squeeze, as it is called on Vulcan. At the very least you must be Vulcan. The human nervous system lacks the electrical energy required to cause the effect.
KIRK
As your Commanding Officer Spock, I order you to teach me that.
SPOCK
Groans audibly
Okay. I give up. It’s really simple. How about after supper tonight?
KIRK
Yeah, sure.
SPOCK
No seriously Captain. It is quite simple. I can teach it to you in about five minutes. It is really easy.
KIRK
Yeah. OK. Keep it to yourself, Spock!
SPOCK
Aarrgh!
Exasperated, he takes The Other’s helmet in his hands and squeezes until The Other’s eyes bulge out of their sockets
SPOCK
Screams in rage at KIRK and shouts
I am done with this!
KIRK
Wow Spocky, that was really impressive. So, now he thinks he met up with one of them smaller dune buggies, right?
SPOCK
Fighting to control himself, SPOCK collapses onto his back, arms and legs flailing in the air
Yes. Maybe. No. I hope so.
KIRK
Good. Good. No one would ever question that they had seen one of them things, eh Spock?
SPOCK
Lies still, panting breathlessly
They are called B-types, Captain. They are quite plentiful and yes, they are probably quite often encountered on the surface by human travelers. I mean it’s a small planet, isn’t it? How could you miss them?
KIRK
Unless, and I hope I’m wrong, he is, what is it? What are people who……see……things? Visionaries? Borgs?......Empaths?......?
SPOCK
No. I believe the expression you are seeking Captain is ‘fantasy prone’. That is a very unlikely trait in a scientist, sir. Hopefully very, very unlikely. It is illogical.
KIRK
That’s a big fer sure.
SPOCK
Pulls himself together
Jim, he is low on oxygen. About thirty minutes reserve is all that is remaining. To ensure his survival we must replenish his supply. And if we are to truly ensure his survival and repay him for the indignities he has suffered he must be returned to his ‘dune buggy’ as you refer to it, immediately. Then, I suggest, we give him a shot to wake him and leave as soon as we are able.
KIRK
Shrugs his shoulders so dramatically that the motion is obvious, even in the Gorn costume and under the old-style suit
Yeah. Sure. Let’s do that, Spock.
Stares into the ever-present-in-his-mind camera
But no. We……will……leave……him……here. In this place. And no, I’m not giving him any oxygen, either. Too……expensive. You know that Spock. You know the price of oxygen is out of sight in this quadrant. Sector? Er, whatever.
SPOCK
Resignedly, deadpan
Fine sir. Fine. Your perspicacity and generosity are notorious throughout the Galaxy. There. It is done.
KIRK
Really? Already? I thought it’d take a lot longer. I thought you had to hold his head with your fingers just so and stare into his face for like an hour.
He tries to position his fingers but is prevented by the awkward Gorn hands inside bulky suit gloves. He looks at SPOCK, Gorn wall-eyed
SPOCK
No. That is just for dramatic effect. Captain, we must hurry. We have not much time before he awakes.
KIRK
Well, after you, Mr Spock.
Gestures dramatically in the direction of the TriPod
The Captain is always the last to leave. Right?
SPOCK
Actually Captain, we will beam up at precisely the same moment.
KIRK
So like, whatever!
SPOCK leads the way to the TriPod and enters
KIRK follows, stumbling in SPOCK’s tracks and climbs in with difficulty. As the hatch closes, it seems to KIRK that for a brief moment The Other regained consciousness and looked straight into his eyes. He gives him the upright middle digit, easy to do with a Gorn’s three fingered hand; the universal sign of ‘goodbye’
In a moment SCOTTY has them back on the Enterprise
Act 2, Scene 1
KIRK VOICE OVER
Captain’s Log Supplemental – I have returned from my mission on the planet Mars of this parallel universe, exhausted and embarrassed, a little sweaty, but none the worse for wear. However, if I don’t get out of here within the next three hours I will face a death sentence at Mr Spock’s hands. No wait. Let me think. What episode, er mission is this? Oh yeah.
BONES
Well Jimmy-boy, looks like you dodged another one.
KIRK
Yes, Bones. It was pretty rough, but I got us through it.
Softly, under his breath adds
But……will you look over very casually at Spock……and tell me. Casually……I said!
Looks at his fingernails, shakes his hands and blows on them
Does he have a goatee?
BONES
Picks up on KIRK’s odd behaviour
What? Are you nuts, Jimmerino? Spock only has a beard in a few episodes and this isn't one of them. Are you all right Jim? You seem distracted.
KIRK
Missions. They’re called missions. Oh look! A chipped nail! God, I hate when that happens.
BONES
In full voice for all to hear
Oh my God! You need to come down to Sick Bay immediately, Jimmly. A drink of Romulan ale will fix you right up.
KIRK
Romulan ale! Why Bones, that’s illegal!
BONES
Well Captain, I’m a doctor, not a bartender! Nor an engineer. Or a mason. I could go on…
KIRK
Oh, I can hold out for a few minutes more, Bones……Spock?
SPOCK and BONES
Yes, Captain.
KIRK
I was just wondering how that solitary dude would explain the whole thing to his people. Probably he would be written off as a nut case and forced to stay out on his own to avoid infecting the others with his delusions, eh? I mean if he had too. Of course he doesn’t have to since you cleared his head of all memories of his encounter with me. Right?
SPOCK
Yes, Captain. I am certain that no problems remain that cannot be solved with science and logic. Science will triumph.
KIRK
Um, good. And that, that Vulcan mind trick? It’s real, right? That’s, that’s not just some parlour stunt you use…to impress…the ladies, is it?
SPOCK
No Captain. It is not something I use to impress the ladies.
KIRK
You wouldn’t lie to me would you?
SPOCK
Captain. As you well know, Vulcans are incapable of lying.
KIRK
Of course……as you feel… you must……keep saying, because otherwise we may have altered the future of that Universe in way we cannot imagine. Potentially, I suppose my just having been there could result in its complete destruction. And it could affect ours. You know? Create a spin-off? Or worse.
SPOCK
No need to fear, Jim. And by the way, it is called an alternate universe.
KIRK
That’s Captain, Spock.
SPOCK
Looks away to his instruments, a smirk on his face
Ahem, no need to fear Captain, hmmm asshole.
KIRK
What’s that Spock?
SPOCK
Nothing, Captain.
KIRK
Spock, I think we should further investigate this planet. You and I and Bones should beam down to the largest of the habitations and probe the locals.
SPOCK
How apropos is your selection of words.
KIRK
I dunno. Investigate? Better?
SPOCK
Much better. But Captain. Your encounter with that single solitary individual was, to say the least, very risky both to you and to his society. It was, if I may elaborate, very likely a breach of the Prime Directive.
KIRK
Rules were meant to be broken, Spock.
SPOCK
Ahem, Captain. Really?
KIRK
Moving on……
SPOCK
Moving on, as there are very few of them, they will almost certainly all know each other. I mean how could they not all know each other? You'd have to be a loner, potentially a nut case not to know everyone in such a small group. How do you propose we remain incognito? You would be in the Gorn costume, I suppose?
KIRK
Don't be ridiculous…Spock! We represent the United Federation of Planets. I will wear my regulation Starfleet uniform. You will wear the same. As for Bones, he is a southern doctor, comfortable in all social situations and can blend in with ease, even in uniform. We'd move around as much as we can, not staying anywhere long enough to arouse suspicion…or interest… and we will bring costumes down with us that allow us to……fit……in. Just in case. Okay? You OK with that, Spocky?
SPOCK
Sounds good to me.
BONES
Shakes his head, shrugs his shoulders, waves his arms, etc
I don’t know Jim. Sounds like a bad idea to me. I’m going to vote against it.
KIRK
Smiles to himself and into the camera
I’ll keep that in mind Bones……when this becomes a democracy. So Spock, let's get to it. As soon as I go....
SPOCK
I know Captain. As soon as you relieve yourself.
KIRK
Yeah, that too. Scotty, take over. Spock! Bones! To the Transformer Room!
Act 2, Scene 2 - In the Transporter Room
SPOCK has a plastic laundry basket full of clothing and some shoe boxes. KIRK and BONES look them over. There is a Tee shirt with Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ album cover on the front and a blue ball cap. It is labelled ‘We the Mars’ and adorned with a Gorn paw. The Doctor pulls out a Tee shirt with the words ‘Lynyrd Skynyrd’ over a Confederate flag.
KIRK
Puts the ball cap on
These items of clothing Spock. Are you sure they’ll aid us in fitting in? That is, if we need them. Which we won’t, I’m sure.
SPOCK
Computer analysis of the mode of dress and fashion of this period on the Earth of our Universe has been extrapolated to be approximately the same in this Universe and we must trust our much beloved computer to look out for our interests. It has never…
KIRK
Interrupts
But this hat, Spock. It would be unseemly for a Captain of a Starship to wear such a thing.
BONES
Annoyed
Yeah Spock. Jim needs to look cool and that hat thing covers his hair too much.
BONES
Looks down at the logo on the T shirt and traces the letters
And who the hell are the Ly nerd Sky nerds, anyway?
SPOCK
May I remind you Doctor, the Captain has deduced that we will not need any of this? I must assume he is correct. After all, we often beam down to new and strange planets in our day to day Starfleet uniforms……and we just play along with whatever……
Snubs BONES. Turns Kirk’s cap around placing the bill at the back
KIRK
Oh yeah! That’s better. Much better, Spock. Thank you.
KIRK
Examines the pants. They are saggy, baggy
Nice fit……if……I need them.
BONES
Is not amused
Spock. You must be joking. These things are ridiculous.
SPOCK
Doctor, I am merely the conveyance for the recommendations of the ship’s computer. As I have already…
BONES
Well, Spock! What are you proposing to wear?
SPOCK
As Jim said, we will wear our uniforms. However, I have selected some things from a few decades post your apparel for myself. Aaah, just to be safe. You know?
He pulls out Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon Cooper’s Theory of Robot Evolution Tee shirt, a pair of khaki cargo pants and a dark blue whoopee-style tuque
BONES
Nice! You’ll fit in as well as anyone could. And it would help around here if you would wear that tuque all the time. Now if you could just do something about those eyebrows, Spock…
SPOCK
I beg your pardon, Doctor. That was offensive.
BONES
Yeah. I know. Deal with it, Spock. You…
KIRK
Interrupts BONES, holding up a pair bright orange Hi-tops
About these shoes, Spock. Are they not more suited……to the sporting field?
SPOCK
Perhaps Captain, but I believe it is more a question of style than suitability for walking, etcetera. They are, after all, what the ship’s computer suggests. And she should know.
KIRK
Yes. True. Oh well. Let’s get down there. We’ll go like this. What could possibly go wrong? But Spock…bring that basket just in case we need……to……change. Have you selected a…location?
SPOCK
Yes, Captain. An in-depth survey has found an area in the largest of the underground habitations that appears to be away from occupied areas and is currently devoid of humans.
KIRK
Great! That’ll do Spock. That’ll do. To the machine!
KIRK and the others take their places on the Transporter. The usual noise emanates, the figures blur and fade
Act 3, Scene 1 – In the Tube
As planned, they materialise in a dark area away from the main hall. Lights can be seen off to their left. They have materialised in a shallow pond of water and are standing knee deep. KIRK has a pissed off expression that is well-deserved
KIRK
Curses in a whisper
Damn you Spock! You could have selected a more convenient place.
BONES
Yes! God Jim, I hope this isn’t the sewage lagoon.
SPOCK
Relax gentlemen. It could hardly be more practical. From the sandy beach, the discarded drink containers, the Cabana and lawn chairs, I deduce this to be a recreational area. It is probably quite safe. We should not be observed here and at least we did not materialise inside a rock.
KIRK
Puzzled
Cabana?
SPOCK
Yes, Jim. Beaches have them.
KIRK
They do?
SPOCK
Raisa?
KIRK
Not ringing any bells here.
SPOCK
The planet Raisa? The pleasure planet?
KIRK
What a ridiculous name for a planet. Isn’t it officially Omicron Delta Marriott Upsilon Auriga Pentathlon?
BONES
Jim-boy, we really must change your meds.
KIRK
Say what?
They look around in a half-crouch, phasers drawn. Assured of their safety they wade ashore led by KIRK who says nothing until they reach the Cabana
KIRK
Looks down at his soggy shoes covered with sand
Well Spock……we may be safe but I’ve just ruined my shoes! And I paid for them……myself!
SPOCK
They are not regulation issue? Fascinating! However Captain, the replicator can make more. Should I have them sent down?
KIRK
Yes, please do. They’re really squishy.
SPOCK
Yes, Captain.
KIRK
And Spock. Don’t……forget……clean socks.
There is no one around save them
KIRK sits down on a lawn chair and takes his shoes off, draining the water from them
SPOCK speaks into his communicator and in a few minutes three shoe boxes materialise before them
They exchange their wet ones for dry
KIRK throws his soggy pair of shoes into the pond
BONES does likewise
SPOCK scowls at them and places his in one of the boxes and slides it under a chair near the clothes basket
Phaser at the ready, SPOCK opens the door of the Cabana, peers in and looks around
SPOCK
The Cabana is currently vacant. I suggest we take up position in here to assess the situation.
The three of them enter and take a seat on the benches. There are typical beach posters on the wall, a natty rug and beach towels on hooks. Also there is a computer terminal and a large screen
SPOCK pecks away at it tentatively while the others look around. He soon is typing like a pro
KIRK
Well Spock? What have you managed to learn?
SPOCK
Typing. A lost art. That Alt-Shift-Ctrl maneuver is, however, completely illogical. Ahem. This is a science colony established by a multi-nation effort in the year 2040. It is now October 31 2045. Or maybe it’s October 62. Regardless, there have been many prior missions, but none were successful in establishing a permanent colony. Research is being conducted in fusion, genetics and semantics.
KIRK
Ha’h. Fusion! Good luck with that!
SPOCK
Actually Captain, affordable practical generation of power by fusion is estimated to be a mere ten years off in our own Universe. Perhaps this Universe knows something ours does not.
KIRK
Sure. Sure they do. What else have you got?
SPOCK
Their mission was one-way. No return to Earth is possible.
KIRK
That seems wise. After a week on the surface of this place everyone would get in a ship and head back. What a dump.
SPOCK
Yes, Captain.
KIRK
But Spock, never mind that tekky stuff, what else have you learned?
SPOCK
Turns to face KIRK
I have found the equivalent of the local newspaper. There is everything one could want to know about this place in something called the ‘Social Section’. There is a reception tonight in the so-called, Grand Hall. A party, I believe it is called. It is going on as we speak.
KIRK
And?
SPOCK
Turns back to the screen, annoyed at KIRK but compliant
It is a costume party. There is a theme – Science Fiction…TV…shows of the 20th Century. I am not familiar with the term TV and of course I cannot extrapolate on the possible content of this form of media without being given additional time and unrestricted access to their data storage systems, and, as I have already informed you…Captain, there seems to some form of protection that I cannot penetrate. Therefore…Captain, while the risks are high, this is a golden opportunity to meet people with a much reduced chance of being revealed as aliens. We should retain our uniforms. I am certain we will…as you often say, Captain…fit in?
BONES
Speak for yourself you misshapen Vulcan alien piece of…
KIRK
Interrupts BONES
Oh my God. A costume party? Spock, I love them. Get busy and order us up something to wear. But I want to be a Klingon. You Bones? A Gorn? Spock? Aristotle? Quick now. Be quick about it.
BONES
I wanted to be the Archangel Gabriel but no, I have to be…
The Cabana door opens. Outside is an orange faced, yellow haired man, dressed in a cowboy shirt, chaps, with a ten gallon hat and two ancient six-shooters strapped to his waist
Before they can react he speaks
COWBOY
Obviously inebriated
Hey, why you guys hiding out here? The party is about to get serious. You wanna be there for the contest, ‘cause I’m the judge. I don’t see no winners here though. Talk about alienating people. Hey that’s funny. Write that down.
Points at KIRK and then SPOCK
Let’s go, Jean-Luc. And you. What are you supposed to be – one of them Rumillassians? I expect I’ll hear an earful from you, too! H’ah. Good one.
Points at BONES, stares a moment
And you! You’re a born cowboy, aren’t you? I can’t believe you chose that silly outfit over something cool like mine.
Without waiting for a reply he turns away and heads towards the lit area
They clamber out onto the beach. They see others gathering in the ‘Grand Hall’
KIRK
Well that was offensive. Let’s go gentlemen. We don’t want to keep the ladies waiting.
Act 3 Scene 2 – Outside the Cabana
SPOCK
Captain, I suggest we go separately to avoid the appearance of collaboration.
KIRK
What? OK. Keep your phaser and communicator out of sight, too, I guess. We should meet back here in one hour. That should be sufficient to learn all there is to know about these people.
SPOCK AND BONES
Answer simultaneously, deadpan
Yes Captain.
KIRK
Spock. You go first.
SPOCK heads across the sandy beach towards the crowd followed by BONES and then KIRK
As they near the group, SPOCK, who has been closely observing the assembled multitude while BONES and KIRK, with their heads down are kicking the sand about with their feet like a pair of two year olds at the beach, stops suddenly and turns back towards KIRK and BONES, with arms spread, palms up, urging them back towards the Cabana. Clearly not paying attention they nearly run him down
SPOCK
Captain! There are alien creatures here who I believe we have encountered previously in our missions; potentially violent ones. I have seen Klingons, some Andorians and many others that I cannot recognise, some of which are in some form of robotic configuration. Although honestly, I must admit the Klingons appear to be a sub-species of the Klingon race we know of. There is no simple and easy logical explanation for any of this. At the very least, I believe we may be in danger!
Voice changes to SPOCK lecture-mode
Well, logically, you may be in danger, Captain and perhaps you too, Doctor, but as for myself…I feel that my Vulcan manners…my considerate and logical approach to all that we have…
BONES
Oh for Kiroc’s sake Spock, it’s a sci-fi costume party! There are bound to be alien-looking people here. Some of them we will recognise because they will look just like us humans dressed up in some way. Some though will be perversions and ugly representations of human-like creatures, with overly large body parts such as…oh my! Sorry, Spock… if I’ve offended you.
SPOCK
Given the strangeness of this entire junket, Doctor, none is taken. However, I feel that I must point out that…
KIRK
Eyes focused on the crowd KIRK pushes past SPOCK stomping his feet to clean them of sand
Yes, Spock. Let’s move on.
They split up again
The area is an open space with tables and chairs arranged around a stage in front of an enormous window that overlooks a crater floor. Several mechanisms with six wheels and shaped like up-right beer kegs with thin necks and a round canister on top with multiple eyes and a slit mouth are on the stage (AI Entities). One is playing loud music over a stereo system; the other is clapping his (or her) six hands above his (or her) head and singing along in a so far fruitless effort to generate enthusiasm. The music is Radiohead’s OK Computer and is of course, totally unknown to them. Despite the festive mood most of the costumed people are in groups of three or four discussing something technical or their health or the state of the management
No one pays the least attention to them and at a loss they are soon together again standing on the edge of the crowd. The party is well underway. They reach the stage on the fringe of the group
They are approached by an AI similar to those on the stage bearing a tray of drinks and appetizers
It stops in front of them; the canister tilts up and the eyes look to SPOCK.
In a human-type voice it speaks to him
AI ENTITY
How may I be of service? Would you care for a drink, sir?
SPOCK
Bends down to answer
What is it?
AI ENTITY
An excellent Shiraz, sir. Apparently grown in the MHM. I am told it is wonderful.
SPOCK
No thank you.
BONES and KIRK
Take a glass from the tray; take a sip, then down the entire glass
They say simultaneously
Excellent!
and grab another
AI ENTITY
An appetizer perhaps, sir?
SPOCK
What is it?
AI ENTITY
Koi, I am told. A form of fish. I am told it is wonderful, too.
SPOCK
No, thank you.
KIRK AND BONES
Each takes a sample and gulps it down. KIRK gushes and he and BONES fill their hands
Koi you say. Excellent!
Yes Bones. Excellent.
SPOCK
May I ask what manner of creature you are?
AI ENTITY
Stiffens, head drawn back, about as offended as an AI can be and can show
I am an E-type, designation E177. How may I be of service? And you are?
SPOCK
My name is of no importance.
AI ENTITY
Of course, sir. No importance whatsoever.
The AI ENTITY moves away, obviously miffed at the encounter
BONES
A paranoid android, if I ever saw one. I’d be climbing up the walls if I had to interact with them types every day. I much prefer Christine. You?
SPOCK
No comment, Doctor.
KIRK
Looks away across the room and mumbles
A female. Green! A lone female. And she’s an Orion…Lucky!
He moves in the direction of the woman standing alone costumed as an Orion female, but looking back says
Gentlemen. Partay-on. That’s an order.
SPOCK
Watches KIRK go
Fascinating. An anomaly, I am sure. And I believe the Captain is due for a letdown. This cannot go well.
BONES
Turns to SPOCK
No surprises there, Spock. But tell me, how is it that you have the ability to offend any creature sentient or otherwise, or any robot in any universe or any social situation?
SPOCK
I have been instructed by the best of them, Doctor. Thank you for your own not-insignificant-contribution to my education.
BONES
Well, you’re welcome, Spock. Thank you.
Alone again they scan the crowd. BONES chases down another E-type and gets another glass of wine and some more fish
BONES
Crispy. Deep fried. Appies it calls them. It’s short for appetizer.
SPOCK
How apt.
Looks around at the crowd
This group is quite diverse. I hear Punjabi, Hindi, Mandarin, Russian, Farsi, French, English, Cockney and even American. I believe that all of the main ethnicities of Earth are represented here.
BONES
Why Spock, it’s just like the Enterprise. We have Andorians on some trips. Nobody likes them though. And Orions. I like them. Jim certainly likes them. Some of them, anyway. The females? You know?
SPOCK
And then there’s Chekov.
BONES
Yes. Chekov. Challenging.
SPOCK
But I am disturbed, Doctor. I have seen persons made up and dressed as aliens. That gentleman over there – he is black on one half and white on the other. He cannot be. Nor can that creature – of male or female gender I cannot discern without an opportunity to examine him or her physically – who or which, appears to be of the same shapeshifter lifeform as your former love interest. Nancy, I believe she was named?
BONES
Yes! For God’s sake Spock, keep me away from her! Just a blood-sucking leech! Wait…actually…wait Spock! Perhaps in this Universe she will…after all this just a costume party and…we…
SPOCK
Yes, Doctor. But actually, I feel I must point out that she was a salt-sucking leech, merely seeking to continue her existence and we…
Spock stop and stares across the room, fixated at something BONES cannot see but the taller SPOCK obviously can, cuts off BONES
Fascinating.
BONES
Struggles to see what has held Spock’s attention. He rises up on his tiptoes
What is it? Better yet, who is it?
SPOCK
I repeat. Fascinating.
BONES
I heard you the first time you rabbit-eared hobgoblin. What do you see?
SPOCK
Doctor, I see three persons in Starfleet uniforms. From this distance they appear to be a Vulcan and two Earth-type humans. How illogical.
BONES
Damn you Spock. Where are they? Are you joking with me?
SPOCK
How likely is that, Doctor?
BONES
Oh yeah. Sorry Spock.
Stands on his tiptoes looking around where Spock is looking
But where are they?
SPOCK
Gestures in the direction of a large group near the stage. He moves as nonchalantly as the Spock character can move towards them.
BONES follows, quickly snatching another glass and a handful of appies as he passes a serving AI. Finally he sees the people Spock has seen
BONES
Oh my God.
SPOCK
Yes Doctor, your God is no doubt involved in this.
On the fringe of the group, with backs towards them are three persons, in Starfleet uniforms similar to their own
As they watch the COWBOY they met at the Cabana mounts the stage and grabs the mike from the outstretched hand of the DJ AI
COWBOY
Howdy ya’ll. Welcome to the 5th annual Sci-Fi Costume and Wine Tasting Dance Party. It’s appies now, wine all night. Don’t worry. I’m used to whining. Hah! Hah! Hah!
A modest chuckle runs through the crowd who obviously know this fellow well. He goes on
BONES
Odd the way he waves his arms about as he speaks.
SPOCK
And that shirt!
BONES
Huh-uh’gly!
SPOCK
And one must wonder what science fiction art form would employ American western-type characters in any story line.
BONES
You’re right on that count my Vulcan friend. Ha’h! Cowboys and Aliens. As if!
Eventually Spock and BONES ignore him and turn their attention back to the Starfleet persons who too have ignored the COWBOY to return to their own conversations
Oh my God, Spock! It’s us.
SPOCK
A close facsimile Doctor. The hair is a bit too short and is greying at the temples. The ears are a fine effort but lack the lift and elegance of my own. Nonetheless a fair attempt. You, I must report, are a bit more portly than your doppelganger. The Captain’s, however, is a bang on match.
BONES
Jimmy-boy doesn’t have a pot belly, Spock. And the hair is all wrong. And as for his arms; well his arms are much more muscular. And the Jiminator’s buttocks are much more firm. That’s a sad attempt at parody, I’d say.
SPOCK
To each his own opinion, Doctor. However, the greater mystery is, if we are from another universe and this is approximately the year 2045, how can we be here? Who are these people? I am slightly confused and very slightly disturbed by this. This cannot be.
BONES
Well we’re not here Spock. I mean they’re not us. This is a costume party for God’s sake! There’s a perfectly logical explanation for all this, I’m sure.
SPOCK
I am aware of the nature of this event, Doctor. But if they are not us, then they are in costume as us. How can that be? I must speak with them.
BONES
Spock! No! The Prime Directive!
SPOCK
To hell with the Prime Directive, Doctor.
BONES grabs Spock’s arm to restrain him, but SPOCK turns back and uses the ‘Big Squeeze’ on BONES who collapses to the floor
SPOCK eases him down and leaves him collapsed on his side
He shrugs his shoulders at a group of persons dressed as Wookiees who see it happen
He makes a drinking motion
Glug, glug, glug. He’s usually like this by this time of night. He’ll be all right, my Wookiee friends. Just leave him be.
The Wookiees nod sagely and turn back to their conversations
SPOCK
Moves over to the Starfleet costumed persons and presents himself to them
Nice costumes. Where did you get the idea from? Or should I say, who the hell are you?
KIRK COSTUMED ONE
Answers in a voice slurred by alcohol
As if you don’t know! Very insulting! Well, I’m Captain James Romulus Kirk of the Starshlip Enterprise. This is Doctor Lenny McCoy and this is my Science Officer something, something Spock. And this, of course, is the lovely Counselor Troi. And who the hell are you? I mean, beyond the obvious.
SPOCK
Baffled for a moment but having done his homework, replies in his best ‘ebonics’
Why I dat kid from the rappa school, dawg. You dig it? Name of fitty-cents. You cool with dat, mon?
KIRK COSTUMED ONE
C’mon man. That makes no sense! It’s completely illogical. By the way, yer….yer costume? It looks fake! It’s crap, man. What is that? Polyester? You belong with that TNG group over there.
SPOCK
SPOCK shakes his head, eyes brows raised, etc– bewildered
It is regulation issue, I assure you. But TNG? Whatever do you mean?
KIRK COSTUMED ONE
Gestures at a group on the other side of the hall
SPOCK looks and sees a group of a dozen or so in Starfleet uniforms that are somewhat different from his. They are made up as Picard, Riker, Worf, and Data. A Ferengi is with them. SPOCK stares. He is taken aback
SPOCK
Fascinating, to say the least. Damn! Who are they? I know none of them. Especially that pasty-faced fellow? The one in uniform, I mean; not that short ugly creature with those ridiculous ears.
KIRK COSTUMED ONE
Yeah. I know what you mean. TNG was just a pale copy of TOS.
Looks at TROI. Makes a face and dips his head, shrugs his shoulders etc in apology
Sorry Deanna, but that’s just the way it is. Some things will never change!
TROI costumed one
Sticks her tongue out at him and blows a raspberry, then grabs his arms and pulls him towards her
KIRK COSTUMED ONE
Shakes her off, turns back to SPOCK
But that phaser! And that communicator! Cool!
Grabs the phaser from SPOCK’s belt. Arms the phaser and points it at MOORE who twists it from his hand, turns it off and hands it back to a startled Spock
KIRK COSTUMED ONE
I mean who are you, really? Don’t you recognise me?
The KIRK wannabe lifts up his toupee to show a bald pate
KIRK COSTUMED ONE
It’s me, Jones.
BONES COSTUMED ONE
Lifts his toupee
It’s me, Karl. Karl? You know?
THE VULCAN COSTUMED ONE
Remains in character but does offer his name, a single
Moore. Just Moore.
TROI COSTUMED ONE
Lifts a dark-haired wig to reveal a wisp of blond
It’s me, Marina. From HR?
SPOCK
Stares at her abundant cleavage
Nice com badge.
SPOCK
Of course I recognize you. All of you except, for this very attractive…I mean, how could I not recognize you? All of you. It is illogical that I, who have co-habitated with you for so many years, would not recognise you. But I must know Moore my friend, who did your eyebrows? I want to meet them. Pauses. Ahem. Well moving on, I gonna let youse guy guess all da nigh’ lung who I is, mon. I gonna win dat contessa and take home the, correction, I mean dat, booty prize.
THE VULCAN COSTUMED ONE
Well, my good man, for your information, I did them myself and regardless of your illogical and irrelevant references to our favorite Star Trek series, you have my vote. Now let us get you a drink!
SPOCK
Confused
Wait what? Star Trek?
They turn away to seek out the drink AI. When they turn around, Spock is gone
ALL
You know, they shouldn’t let anyone speak like that. That was offensive. Yes. Absolutely. Engineers! They never grow up. Yes, we do. Stop it. No, you stop it.
SPOCK
Has moved deeper into the crowd. He sees KIRK, the real KIRK, talking to the Orion woman. She is giggling
KIRK
Has his arm draped around her shoulders and is whispering in her ear
Yes. Yes, it’s true. And in my universe men and women are equal and can pick and choose their sexual partners any time, any place and anyone.
Suddenly, from nowhere, a man dressed as KHAN NOONIAN SINGH rushes in and roughly spins KIRK around
KIRK
Yells at the top of his lungs in surprise and fear, arms upraised in anger, shaking
Khaaaan!! Not you again!
Changes voice to conversation mode
By the way how… is……Marla…doing? I hope she…
KHAN CHARACTER
Yells at KIRK
Get your filthy hands off her you damned dirty ape!
and kicks KIRK squarely in his Starfleet regulation gonads.
He falls to the floor, moaning and clutching his groin
KHAN grabs her arm and pulls her away
ORION WOMAN
Oh Ross. Grow up. It’s just a costume party!
KHAN CHARACTER
I know. But I just always hated that guy.
ORION WOMAN
Who? I don’t even recognise him. Isn’t it Dimitri?
KHAN CHARACTER
Yes, but he’s that TJ Hooker guy when he did another show - Star Trek? It was awful.
They laugh and fall into each other’s arms
KHAN CHARACTER
Let’s go home.
ORION WOMAN
OK. But you better call Dimitri in the morning and apologize.
KHAN CHARACTER
You think he’ll remember?
They leave KIRK squirming in pain on the floor
He is helped up from the floor by SPOCK
KIRK
Oh God, I wish these pants had an air bag. You know, I think I’ve had enough of this god-forsaken planet Spock. Let’s find Bones and get the hell out of here.
SPOCK
I think I know where we can find him.
BONES has been taken away by by-standers and is sitting by the stage, slumped over, awake but groggy
The COWBOY, very drunk, is with him
When SPOCK and KIRK approach, BONES gets up. He starts to fall over and is caught by the COWBOY and SPOCK
COWBOY
Pokes KIRK in the chest and launches into a drunken speech
I just wanna say… I just wanna say, that you guys are fantastic……with the research in what you do. What is it you do? Great stuff. We are going to have huge results……so keep it up. Remember why we’re here – to get rich people stuff……I mean to enrich our lives. Ha, ha, ha……huge lives. I gotta pee……ha’h.
Fist pumps aplenty. Moves away, slapping people on the back, groping women and men alike, moving through the crowd. Most avoid him
SPOCK
Definitely of used car salesman quality. No. A Herbert. That is, if there ever was one, he’s it. Definitely a Herbert.
KIRK
Really? I dunno, Spocky. I sensed a distinctive something…..something…..in that man, a leadership quality. He’s a great leader, I’m sure.
SPOCK
Really Captain? When he sobers up, possibly. Or grows up?
KIRK turns about and is abruptly confronted by a woman dressed in a uniform basically like his – a Starfleet uniform. He stops abruptly and grabs both her shoulders. She does likewise to him
KIRK
Stares at her, tilts his head slightly and smiles at her
She tilts her head slightly and smiles at him
JANEWAY COSTUMED ONE
I thought you said you wouldn’t be here. That you were leaving on another one of your sight-seeing trips.
KIRK
Umm……ah……well. Who……are……you? I see from your rank insignia you are……a Starfleet……Captain, too?
JANEWAY COSTUMED ONE
Pushes him away abruptly
Really Sam! Is your memory so bad that you can’t even remember that we did it in the Arboretum last night during the pre-pre-party party. Twice!
Pauses
You disgust me, Sam Aiken! You should leave this place and never come back.
She lifts her face ‘haughtily’ and struts away, leaving him with his mouth agape
KIRK
Calls after her
That……could……not……have been me!
JANEWAY COSTUMED ONE
Turns back briefly and gives him the universal sign of goodbye
SPOCK
WTF? That was fascinating, Jim. Really fascinating! Did you beam down here last night, and shall I say it graciously - connect - with her? I mean, talk about breaking the Prime Directive!
KIRK
Shakes his head as if to clear it
That’s Captain Spock, thank you. And apparently, Spock, there are many of me in this Universe. Just forget the whole dang thing, will ya.
SPOCK
Yes, Captain. By your command.
KIRK
Looks around the room taking in all the people in one sweep of his arms, arms out, palms up in a KIRK-like gesture of amazement
You know Spock……I’m not sure……that I understand any of the women…in……this……Universe. Except for the Orion ones of course. Wait. Maybe……no. I’m wrong. Not in any Universe; in fact. Who knew relationships could be so complicated? I just don’t get them.
SPOCK
Yes, Captain. I had come to that very conclusion, a very long time ago. And if I may add, it was completely without the use of logic.
Together they pick up BONES and carry him to the edge of the dark area
KIRK
How are you, Bones?
BONES
Groaning miserably
I’ve definitely got the subterranean homesick alien blues, Jim. Talk about a hangover. By the way Spock, I owe you one. Don’t turn your back on me. So expect a hard one, when you least expect it. It’s what the Karma Police do. You never see it coming.
SPOCK
Understood Doctor. I cannot blame you for what I did. Nor for what you are planning on doing. It is…completely…logical.
BONES
Jim, you wouldn’t believe what Spock did to me. Just when…
KIRK
Waves his hand dismissively
I don’t want to know what goes on between you……two. It’s entirely none of my business.
BONES
Well then…so are you staying, Jim. I mean, you said you…
KIRK
Interrupts BONES
You know that Orion woman……I was……speaking to? She was quite taken with……me. I felt a……a connection.
BONES
I think you wanted a connection, Jimmy-boy.
KIRK
Yes…… maybe but …… no …… I’m definitely not staying. I wouldn’t fit in. She was quite forth-coming with details about this place. She told me…the average age here is…seventy-four. She said almost everyone here has had numerous implants and surgeries to look…and feel…younger. Evidently they are working on a genetic reset switch. Officially it’s very hush-hush but it’s actually common knowledge. It would enable them to……regress to younger age and freeze aging at……whatever time they…wanted. I…could use…that.
SPOCK
Hmmm, Captain? That is illogical to say the least. One is what one is. One becomes what one must become; even aged.
BONES
Suddenly back to his normal self
There you go again Spock, with your high and mighty Vulcan ethics. Judge, judge, judge. It’s all you do. What could possibly go wrong with it? We should do that. In our universe, we should do that age reversal thing. God knows we’ve done that getting old and back to young thing before. It was on…
KIRK
Distracted, cuts BONES off
Yeah, Spock. What could possibly go wrong? Surely you don’t think…they have come all this way to…risk their lives in something that may……not……work? Dedicated scientists of the highest ethics…all working to better all……of humankind? You know the kind?
SPOCK
Yes, Captain. I know the kind. What could possibly go wrong, besides everything? If I were here I would flee to the furthest corners of the planet to avoid these narcissistic people and their economic-return-based scientific research.
KIRK
Grimaces painfully in KIRK-like fashion into the camera, avoiding looking at SPOCK
OK, Doomer. I hear you.
SPOCK
Taken aback by the insult
Captain, I believe the expression of disrespect you intended to use is OK Boomer. Which, due to its antiquity and Earth origin does not actually apply in my case, but it is still offensive. On Vulcan, in my youth, there was no such thing as privilege, though many grew up during a period of increasing affluence due in part to widespread post-war government subsidies in housing and education. As a group, we were wealthier, more active and more physically fit than any preceding generation and we were the first to grow up genuinely expecting our world to improve with time. However, a more appropriate term of disdain when referring to Vulcans is OK Logician or perhaps, OK Pinchy. I am sure you are familiar…
KIRK
Smiles slyly and cuts SPOCK off with a wave of the hand
Spock? You should try actually listening to yourself once in a while. It might help. But despite all your flaws…you are…one in a million.
BONES
Well said Jim-boy!
SPOCK
Ignoring BONES
Really Captain? There are that many out there like me? H’eh. I guess the universe may be safe after all.
BONES
Why Spock! Is that an ego I see sneaking up on you?
SPOCK
Turns around abruptly, phaser drawn
Where?
Exit Music plays
Act 3, Scene 3 – The Cabana
KIRK VOICE OVER
We have met the inhabitants of this planet. They are a violent society, obsessed with themselves and their work. I see no percentage in staying here. I just……don’t……fit…in!
They arrive at the Cabana and go in
SPOCK takes a seat at the terminal and begins typing something
BONES slumps down in a chair
KIRK studies the posters, fingers the towels, looks at himself in the mirror, pushes his hair back into place
KIRK
So what did we learn? I wanna know what we learned while we are still here, cause when we return to the ship it’s always about comedy. Even if a half-dozen redshirts or our personal best friends or even family members have died.
BONES
True. Very true. And sad……well Jim, moving on, I’m pretty sure this is not our Universe.
KIRK
Yep. Agreed. Spock?
SPOCK
While you were off attempting to charm the pants off that woman Jim, Bones and I found to our complete surprise, that in addition to other species from our Universe, we ourselves have counterparts in this Universe and in this very time and place. Including your woman friend, who is of, or was I should say, no, is, inexplicably, an ‘Orion’ personage. Go figure. Three of the locals were in fact dressed in Starfleet uniforms and costumed to resemble specifically we three. They even employed our names. And while they were not us and the Starfleet uniforms were not genuine, the fact that we even exist in any form in this Universe means we have had or have, some form of reality here. Or perhaps they have invented time travel and have ventured forward into our time and universe and examined our society. I cannot imagine how else this could have occurred.
KIRK
Yeah. An entertaining thought, Spock. It was pretty weird. Makes perfect sense to me.
SPOCK
Finishes his typing
What?
KIRK
What you just said about time travel and stuff like that. Was there a Yeoman Janice around? I might reconsider staying.
BONES
Janice at seventy-four?
KIRK
Hmmm. Yes. No….no.
SPOCK
James T Kirk at 84, Captain? It is said that beauty has no age limit. Besides, if the age regression technique works as planned……
Suddenly the door opens
There is the COWBOY
COWBOY
Shouts
C’mon you guys. Let’s get back to the party! We’ve still got the costume judging and the chug-a-lug contest and the diving board competition. C’mon. Let’s go. That’s an order.
KIRK
I am in command here. These are my men. Off with you, silly person!
COWBOY
I’m the boss in these parts, pardner and I say you are going back. Now get a move on.
KIRK
Bones?
BONES
Sure Jim.
BONES and KIRK lead the COWBOY to the water’s edge
SPOCK balks but follows
They wrestle the COWBOY to the ground and taking an arm and a leg, toss him into the water
He comes up coughing and spewing water
COWBOY
God! It’s like a sewer. Very funny guys.
He shakes his fist at KIRK, then
Aiken!! I know that’s you under all that makeup. You’re behind this. You get the hell out of here and don’t bother to come back!
Gestures at SPOCK and BONES
And as for you guys, whoever the hell you are. You’d better pray I don’t find out cause I’ll…..!
KIRK
Interrupts the COWBOY in Captain Kirk-like manner
Well gentlemen, let’s do as the man says and get the hell out of here. Spock?
Ignoring the presence of the now staring COWBOY, they transport up to the Enterprise
Act 3, Scene 4 – Bridge of the Enterprise. The usual gang are sitting about, noises, etc
KIRK VOICE OVER
We are preparing to warp out of here to get back to our own Universe. A kinder…gentler universe I am sure, in which a man and a woman can……talk…without being set upon by angry, jealous…thugs. How we are going to do this though, I haven’t the foggiest notion. Scotty and Spock will figure it out. They always do. They’ve done it before……something about matter and anti-matter or……doesn’t matter. It’s just some magic formula they have devised. I forget in which episode. Er, mission.
SPOCK and BONES flank KIRK in the Command chair. YEOMAN JANICE is in her customary position
KIRK
Well gentlemen, any more thoughts on what just occurred? Spock?
SPOCK
Extremely illogical Captain, that we three would be in this time, in this Universe. I am genuinely bamboozled by the whole thing.
KIRK
Bones? Your turn.
BONES
Well I think, Jimmy-boy, that we three are just too great in spirit, our personalities are just too big to be limited to one universe. In fact, we probably exist in every universe there is.
KIRK
Spock? Any comment on Bones’ comment?
SPOCK
Completely illogical Doctor, particularly since you did not consider the presence of the Orion woman nor the Klingons or Andorians, but I am at a loss to explain it myself. Hodgkin’s Law cannot explain this one. Nor can Occam’s Razor.
KIRK
Nor KISS.
SPOCK
Aye, Captain, although I can find no evidence that your favorite band even exists in this Universe, never mind that it has in some way contributed to the philosophical development of this particular civilization.
KIRK
Sad. Very sad. Well Bones. I for one don’t find your explanation too hard to believe. Our stories are certainly engaging, exciting and principled. Although some are…better than……others.
Glances back at YEOMAN JANICE, smiles. She returns his smile and winks broadly.
He turns away
Warp speed helmsman, whatever your name is.
SULU
Lieutenant Sulu, sir. Shouldn’t we wait for Mr Scott to advise us about the engines, sir?
KIRK
Meh. Carryout my orders, Mr Sulu! Warp speed. Now.
SULU
Oy vey! Aye Captain.
KIRK
By the way, Spock. I haven’t forgotten your promise to teach me that Vulcan neck pinch.
SPOCK
Stares into one of his high tech scanners and smiles
Not yet you haven’t.
KIRK
What’s that Spock?
SPOCK
Nothing, Captain.
The ship whines, rumbles and is tossed sideways, back and forth, throwing the crew about
KIRK
Spock? Have you seen my……communicator? My phaser? Hopefully I didn’t drop them on that godforsaken planet.
SPOCK
SPOCK, who has left something of his own on the Cabana computer, puts his head down on his console
Whispers
Mommee!
The Enterprise lurches left and right, up and down and finally, with the squeal of rubber tires on pavement, disappears into the great wide open.
End Credits Roll (as in Multiverse 987589029E)
Kirk – played by Willie Shatner
Spock – George Lucas
Bones – Christopher Pike
Uhura – Beyoncé Knowles
Yeoman Janice – Carrie Fisher
Scotty – Mark Hamill
Sulu – Jack Chan
Chekhov – Harry Ford
Deanna Troi – Grace Lee Whitney
Cowboy – Donny Trump
AI Entity- Drink and Appie Server – Peter Griffin